Nov. 22nd, 2011

Last few weeks have involved a lot of exhaustion, emotional risks, and other business. It's also involved me getting over a lot of blocks, sources of paranoia, fears, etc. It's been really healing yet really draining.

So what's the real story here? The damn thing is that I'm falling in love. That's not a bad thing, really. It just happened fast, and that kinda scares me. I've only really known her for a couple of months now, but it's not like I hadn't known K for just as long when I realized I was falling for her. Also, for the future I will be referring to this mystery girl as J. It's just been a few years since I felt this way about someone, not since MZ. I guess the main complication is that a couple of weeks ago she said she isn't ready to date someone who's not male & in some ways that she's not ready to date at all right now. At first I thought she was trying to tell me that I read her wrong and she's not bi, but it's something a bit more complicated going on instead. I'm not all emo & angsty about that, though when I was back home after she first told me that I cried really fucking hard. Given how the past couple of years has been, I don't exactly blame her.

After I told her how I felt about her a couple of weeks ago, and she told me she wasn't ready, we've actually gotten way closer rather than more distant. We talk & hang out even more, and sometimes we're really...cuddly. For example, the other night I spent almost 7 hours drinking & hanging out with her and her friends and for most of the night we were either holding hands or I had my arm around her. I mean, she's pretty affectionate with everyone but...I don't know, there are days when it's a little more intense between us, and she has said she thinks I'm attractive, so while I love being around her it sometimes is a bit awkward.

I think she's really kind, sweet, strong, and I'm ridiculously attracted to her. The way I'm gushing I probably sound like I think she's perfect, but that's not true. I do, however, think she's really trying hard to make up for lost time and grow a lot as a person. We talked once about how we both feel like we became human only within the last couple of years. My main goal is to make sure I can be a good friend to her and do my part to support her through all the difficult & painful bullshit she's still dealing with. At the same time, I want to keep seeing her, and holding her and touching and playing with each other's hair and kissing her on the cheek when I hug her and walking together arm-in-arm. Whether or not that ends up being called "dating" I'm not even fucking sure I care. I just don't want to lose this.

Because I, well, am not exactly a confident person I've been dealing a lot with the fear that I will lose that at some point. That there'll be something I say or do that makes her realize I'm a terrible terrible person and that she should have nothing to do with me. I feel like I've managed to get over most of it at this point, but when I'm exhausted like I am right now the paranoia starts to edge back in. On the other hand, the sheer progress I've made on my ability to deal with this kinda fear has impacted my general problems with ptsd. My recovery from being triggered is down from being overnight a few years ago, to a few hours earlier this year, to now mere minutes now. It's pretty amazing. J even said the other night that I seem like I've gotten a lot more solid & confident in just the past month. She mentioned that I've stopped hiding behind my hair when I'm nervous, which just makes me laugh because I know exactly what she's talking about.

So, yeah, that's how things have been interesting lately.

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April 2012

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