Jan. 17th, 2012

WHAT

Jan. 17th, 2012 06:19 pm
Okay, so I've had a date with someone else since MB and I broke up. I'd thought she was hot for awhile so when I found out that she thought I was cute from a mutual friend I asked her out immediately. The first date went well! Not amazing, but a lot of fun and we definitely seem to have some solid mutual attraction going on even if there wasn't an opportunity to really act on it. She made it very clear that she wants to keep seeing me, so that should be good!

So, yeah, that's cool right? I find out that someone I'm interested in thinks I'm attractive and so I ask them out.

Umm...here's where life is getting really weird. I have found out over the past few months that a number of people have thought I was hot for a long time but just didn't say anything except to mutual friends. One of whom is the ex-girlfriend of a good friend who was passing through town, who I met under similar circumstances briefly last year. Soooo...she came home with me last night and we made out a little then had some bdsm sexytimes, though didn't actually fuck (I guess? The distinction feels kinda arbitrary, really). Kinda didn't need to. I've never let anyone hurt me that much before, but it kinda confirmed every suspicion I've had about what I like. She was way more experienced than me, which honestly worked really well because I kinda didn't even think about the fact that we were negotiating safe-words and the like - it just felt like a perfectly normal, comfortable conversation before things got started. I didn't even get a hint of ptsd trigger from what happened, which is awesome because that's something that I'd been worried might happen if I let someone really go at it.

...the really weird part is that I kinda hadn't realized I'd be totally capable of doing something that casual. Like, it was fun and then (at ~2am) it was over so I went to bed and she slept on our couch. *shrugs* Don't feel any particular emotional attachment either before or after. So, yay? It's just a weird feeling since it's kinda against my Good Christian Man upbringing on basically every level, but this is honestly what I want right now.

I just, shit, I just worry this sounds like one big #humblebrag but it's not supposed to. It's just that I spent almost 30 years thinking I was an ugly unlikeable piece of shit, and now in the span of a few months I find out that a decent percentage of people I know think I'm really hot. I go out to places now and get eye-fucked by at least a couple of people each time. At what point did I actually become an honest-to-quanyin sexual creature? It felt like I just woke up one day and the world said "Mx. Presheaf, you've barely had any sex in your life - time to change that" and that's really strange.

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Mx. Pre-sheaf

April 2012

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