[personal profile] calculus_of_destructions
So dating MB hasn't been the easiest thing ever. I really like her. A lot. I've really enjoyed the time we spend talking, and I've also really enjoyed the results of that intense chemistry we have.

The downside is that she's carrying around a lot of hurt & damage. She and I are very very different people fundamentally, but the damage from all the abusive people who've been in her life is scary similar to my own. It's sadly funny that I'm the one with the better self-esteem here. Yeah, that's right, I have more self-respect than someone.

The things she's told me about previous relationships is just fucking terrifying. She doesn't even realize how fucking awful it all sounds. It's like how I used to be when I talked about my parents. I used to think they weren't terribly nice to me, but eventually I came to accept that they were actually fucking evil. Same with her, as she seems to take the blame for provoking a previous partner to threaten her life...because he loved her just that much. What. The. Fuck.

When I saw her after that 24 hours after she broke up with me by email, she told me the kinds of things she expected me to say & do. There's no real point in recording it here. It was just fucking awful. Also, she recently was both surprised & grateful when I didn't try to talk her into having sex after a night where we'd both had a lot to drink, and she was inebriated to the point of having trouble walking in a straight line. I told a mutual friend about how I was horrified that she expected me to try and get her into bed when she was definitely beyond a point where consent could be had, and he said "well you actually care about consent..." Seriously, what kind of awful people has she been with...

The sad thing is that she totally thinks she's a horrible person & sometimes gets belligerent when I try and tell her otherwise. She even got pissed off once when I told her she was pretty. The irony is not lost on me...

So, yeah, this month hasn't been easy but I do think it's worth it.

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Mx. Pre-sheaf

April 2012

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