Boundaries

Apr. 4th, 2012 03:37 pm
[personal profile] calculus_of_destructions
So I had another one of those odd nights with J. She'd been dealing with her old problems of agoraphobia for awhile and hadn't left the house much in days, she'd also told me that she wanted to be left alone for awhile. Partly because of anti-socialness partly because, as it turns out, she was still angry with me for being so close to killing myself a few weeks ago. We drank, hung out with friends, ended up back at her place and - shockingly - made out for awhile. At least I didn't end up sleeping in her bed again this time.

In the morning we talked a little bit about what we were looking for in fuckbuddies, relationships, and all that and a bit about how we felt about each other and how we can't really be that.

The thing that's funny-in-a-sad-way to me sometimes is the place where she draws these boundaries on what's "friends" and what's "more than friends". It's not like I really blame her because I know it's almost entirely due to her asshole ex-husband and the ways he's fucked her up, but it's just funny that we can act like a couple in so many ways without it setting off her anxiety just as long as we don't actually have sex. We can hang out all the time, talk about how we much we love each other, be really cuddly and affectionate in public, flirt, make out whenever we're at her place for awhile, but as long as we don't ever take off our panties then everything is just fine and we're really "just friends" and she doesn't feel scared and like she can't trust me. She even gets a little jealous sometimes of when I spend time with other people. :-/

It's...just sad and frustrating sometimes; yet, as always, I'd rather deal with the limitations of what our relationship has to be than just not have it at all. Well, now I need to clean the place up because she's coming over tonight to watch a movie and will be sleeping here before we go to together with some other friends to a garden here in town tomorrow morning. Lord almighty...
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