[personal profile] calculus_of_destructions
Guh...so this was an interesting week for getting triggered. First off, don't get into arguments about what constitutes child-abuse on the internet with old friends. Jesus fucking christ did that set off a bad string of flashbacks/nightmares that wrecked me for a solid day and a half. I figured out even more, though, about how fucked up my parents were & how scared of everything my father trained me to be. People usually say it as a joke, but I find with ptsd knowing really is half the fuckin' battle. Maybe not half, maybe more like a third. More research needed!

Umm...I also realized a lot about how little I trust people, including K. To anyone reading this, please try to not take it personally, but at some point in our friendship you have probably scared the shit out of me. It just doesn't take much to get me into that bad state of thinking that I'm in danger or that someone hates me.

So that last point has come up a lot lately. So as a reminder, there was a person who I had asked out a couple of weeks ago (shit, was it only a couple of weeks ago?). Well, I've seen her once since then - last week - and it was actually really nice. It was originally intended to be something more productive, but it turned into talking for like 4 hours. We talked briefly about my awkward expression of interest the previous week, she teased me for not saying more up front that K & I were poly, and the answer was "I don't know yet". It might have been my imagination, though knowing my extreme pessimism likely not, but I think it was a rather hopeful maybe given that it was followed by another couple of hours of just talking about random things & our pasts and...I dunno, it just seemed like there was something really warm in the way she'd smile at me. I'm also taking into account that she has a) never dated a woman b) never been in a poly relationship. The fact that it wasn't a "no" is kinda amazing by itself. Maybe nothing'll come of all this & we'll never be anything more than friends, but that day made me happy. It's the first time I've tried to start a relationship in years, and the very first time I've done it out as, well, me. My relationship with K is this wonderful near-accident in that I was trying very hard to be a completely different person back then, but it happened to work out that she liked the real me even better than the person I was trying to be. I know I'm incredibly lucky that happened, but it'd still mean a lot to me to be able to start a relationship as just me.

Umm...so anyway, y'know that thing about being terrified people hate me? Well, of-fucking-course my brain interprets all that data as "she never wants to see you again". I kept having panic attacks that I did something really wrong that day & made an ass of myself. Which, honestly, I was probably amusingly awkward (though the word she used was "adorable"...which just made me more blushy-and-mumbly than I already was) but there's no way I did something worth making someone hate me. The rational part of my brain is capable of stating that. The forever-five-years-old-and-trying-to-find-safety part of my brain will have nothing of it though. Good thing I'm still seeing a therapist regularly, eh?

I'm also super-intimidated by my research and unfortunately I keep doing that thing where I push myself so hard some days that I'm burned out & barely able to think straight the next. I'll be fine, really, but I feel like in the past week I've just been a huge pile of frayed nerves.

This morning is a bit better, which is why I can write rationally about it, but at least I'm learning the way to deal with these sources of stress. It hurts, but this is ultimately what I need. I'm polyamorous & an extreme extrovert, but my chronic mental health issues make it very difficult to do those things. I think no matter what, it's still worth it to try.
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Mx. Pre-sheaf

April 2012

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