Weirdness

Jul. 30th, 2011 06:29 pm
[personal profile] calculus_of_destructions
Life is going well, I've been mostly really stable and grounded lately. I had some setbacks due to people having an issue with my "attitude", where I have reasonable suspicion that "attitude" is code for "penis". It reopened a lot of wounds related to last summer and how much shit I got for just walking outside.

I holed up this morning and read all of Nausicaa, a wonderful post-apocalyptic Zen-tinged story about badass young women, and then just chilled with K all day.

Things have been weird, lately. So much of my social circle has been completely unavailable but I've also been in one of these really painful times where I desperately need to be around people all the time but am also completely terrified of them. K has been...very patient with some of my emotional ups & downs over the past few weeks, but I think watching me spend so much time purging out bad memories with all the emotional exhaustion that comes with it has exhausted her too. I'm doing a lot better than I was a few weeks ago. I dove deep into the abyss and figured out a lot about why I'm so scared of people hating me & came to be at peace with some of the shitty things friends - including my first girlfriend - did to me. Long story short, there's a long history of people distancing themselves from me when I let them know anything about how much pain I was in back then. This distancing was often enacted in very cruel ways. A couple of weeks ago marked the first time that I could honestly say I didn't care whether I ever knew why she cut off all contact with me all those years ago. The not knowing used to eat me up so much because I was afraid that it was my fault and that it was something that could happen again if I didn't find out the way to prevent it. Now I get that she was kinda fucked up too, and sometimes two fucked up people do stupid things when they rely on each other.

As usual, I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Just dumping out thoughts. I just wish my healing didn't have to be a burden to others. In general, though, life is really good right now. Better than it ever has been before.
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