Self-Control Fail

So twice in two days I actually injured myself in response to stress. Yesterday was the worst I've done in a long time. I actually jammed a fork repeatedly into my forearm hard enough that I could hear the 'ting' sound of the tines crunching down against bone. I now have a series of unsightly holes in my arm.

It's related to these feelings of disconnect that I get from my own body. I just start operating on a weird kind of autopilot and I start causing myself harm before I even start to think rationally through what is happening. As soon as I've done it I'm usually horrified that I did.

I've been thinking a lot about my parents lately. It's not even that I hate them. I hate the fact that I don't know how to hate them and stop caring about what they think or what they'll say. I want to go on hormones so badly, but I know what their reaction will be. For less I've been threatened with violence.

I feel like I'm stuck in this paradox where I can't move forward, I can't move backward, and I can't stop moving.

I think I need to declare this weekend as 'girl time' for me, where I'm going to present as female as much as I can get away with.