Feb. 21st, 2011

Aftermath

Feb. 21st, 2011 01:13 pm
So I'm on leave from work for the next few months.

Why? Well, it turns out that grad school + transition + ptsd + sexual harassment = mental breakdown. Maybe I could make myself push through it, get past the fear and anxiety that now surrounds my workplace, but it doesn't seem worth it.

I can't handle seeing him right now. I just can't. I know he's going to say that what he did was just a joke, he didn't mean it, etc. but we all know that intent isn't fucking magic. After a long history of weird, inappropriate, homophobic, and transphobic behavior he crossed a line that I just didn't know how to handle. I just can't handle it right now.

After he said what he said I couldn't kiss K for a couple of days. My whole body just felt disgusting. It was almost two weeks later before the first time we fucked again. I know it was just a joke but it struck a chord that resonated me to pieces and I don't know what to do about it. It combined with the history of all the other things he's said the times he's "jokeningly" hit on me when drunk combined with all the weird othering statements combined with the weird mix of homophobia and transphobia.

I feel like I've lost my last place of refuge. I don't feel comfortable or safe at the zendo, at the monastery, at work. I'm fighting to keep from becoming a total hermit.

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April 2012

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