Mar. 14th, 2012

...if my life is going really well, or if everything is falling apart. It might be both simultaneously.
It's strange to read old entries, like this one and realize how quickly things have been changing. So, yeah, it was basically the only time I've talked about J on my blog even though she's my best friend. Our relationship is kinda odd, really, and I don't know what to call it. We're not dating. At the same time, we love each other a lot and say so not infrequently. We've never had sex. At the same time, we're really attracted to each other and end up being pretty affectionate on a regular basis. There's reasons why our relationship has kinda hovered in this gray area for months, all almost entirely due to her ex-husband and the things he did to her.

Funny though, the fear that I'm going to lose her is still there - it's just changed forms. We're really close now, closer than I ever thought we'd be. It's almost painful how well we seem to understand each other. I know it's scary for her too. She's even said that she gets tempted to push me away because I know her too well and that's...yeah, that possibility scares the shit out of me so badly. I mean, it's not like I wouldn't be okay without her - but I'd definitely be happier if she stayed in my life.

This kinda occurs to me because we're at one of these weird lulls in how much we talk that seems to come after we've been really really close. A few days ago was probably the closest we'd ever come to actually fucking. If we hadn't gotten interrupted when we did, well, I'm not actually sure what was going to happen there. God though am I going to remember what did happen for awhile - in particular the moment when I jokingly told her she was teasing me and she said "I'm not teasing, I'm exploring. There's a difference."

Yeah, that was fun but every time something like that happens I wonder if it'll be the last time. The last time we talk, the last time I hold her, the last time we kiss. I know it's probably almost completely irrational fear but...yeah, I can't rule out the possibility that one day I'll just be out of her life because it'll be easier for her to run. It's terrifying to have let someone in that close and know their position is so tenuous.

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