2012-04-04 03:37 pm


So I had another one of those odd nights with J. She'd been dealing with her old problems of agoraphobia for awhile and hadn't left the house much in days, she'd also told me that she wanted to be left alone for awhile. Partly because of anti-socialness partly because, as it turns out, she was still angry with me for being so close to killing myself a few weeks ago. We drank, hung out with friends, ended up back at her place and - shockingly - made out for awhile. At least I didn't end up sleeping in her bed again this time.

In the morning we talked a little bit about what we were looking for in fuckbuddies, relationships, and all that and a bit about how we felt about each other and how we can't really be that.

The thing that's funny-in-a-sad-way to me sometimes is the place where she draws these boundaries on what's "friends" and what's "more than friends". It's not like I really blame her because I know it's almost entirely due to her asshole ex-husband and the ways he's fucked her up, but it's just funny that we can act like a couple in so many ways without it setting off her anxiety just as long as we don't actually have sex. We can hang out all the time, talk about how we much we love each other, be really cuddly and affectionate in public, flirt, make out whenever we're at her place for awhile, but as long as we don't ever take off our panties then everything is just fine and we're really "just friends" and she doesn't feel scared and like she can't trust me. She even gets a little jealous sometimes of when I spend time with other people. :-/

It's...just sad and frustrating sometimes; yet, as always, I'd rather deal with the limitations of what our relationship has to be than just not have it at all. Well, now I need to clean the place up because she's coming over tonight to watch a movie and will be sleeping here before we go to together with some other friends to a garden here in town tomorrow morning. Lord almighty...
2012-03-26 05:16 pm

What do I do?

I feel like I can't protect anyone I care about, and because I can't protect them I'm going to lose everyone. I'm going to lose them and all the little moments of stability I've made for myself, carved out of the rock with my fingernails. I wish I could just start my life all over again.
2012-03-14 06:06 pm

Reading old entries

It's strange to read old entries, like this one and realize how quickly things have been changing. So, yeah, it was basically the only time I've talked about J on my blog even though she's my best friend. Our relationship is kinda odd, really, and I don't know what to call it. We're not dating. At the same time, we love each other a lot and say so not infrequently. We've never had sex. At the same time, we're really attracted to each other and end up being pretty affectionate on a regular basis. There's reasons why our relationship has kinda hovered in this gray area for months, all almost entirely due to her ex-husband and the things he did to her.

Funny though, the fear that I'm going to lose her is still there - it's just changed forms. We're really close now, closer than I ever thought we'd be. It's almost painful how well we seem to understand each other. I know it's scary for her too. She's even said that she gets tempted to push me away because I know her too well and that's...yeah, that possibility scares the shit out of me so badly. I mean, it's not like I wouldn't be okay without her - but I'd definitely be happier if she stayed in my life.

This kinda occurs to me because we're at one of these weird lulls in how much we talk that seems to come after we've been really really close. A few days ago was probably the closest we'd ever come to actually fucking. If we hadn't gotten interrupted when we did, well, I'm not actually sure what was going to happen there. God though am I going to remember what did happen for awhile - in particular the moment when I jokingly told her she was teasing me and she said "I'm not teasing, I'm exploring. There's a difference."

Yeah, that was fun but every time something like that happens I wonder if it'll be the last time. The last time we talk, the last time I hold her, the last time we kiss. I know it's probably almost completely irrational fear but...yeah, I can't rule out the possibility that one day I'll just be out of her life because it'll be easier for her to run. It's terrifying to have let someone in that close and know their position is so tenuous.
2012-03-14 04:01 pm

I can't tell...

...if my life is going really well, or if everything is falling apart. It might be both simultaneously.
2012-01-17 06:19 pm


Okay, so I've had a date with someone else since MB and I broke up. I'd thought she was hot for awhile so when I found out that she thought I was cute from a mutual friend I asked her out immediately. The first date went well! Not amazing, but a lot of fun and we definitely seem to have some solid mutual attraction going on even if there wasn't an opportunity to really act on it. She made it very clear that she wants to keep seeing me, so that should be good!

So, yeah, that's cool right? I find out that someone I'm interested in thinks I'm attractive and so I ask them out.

Umm...here's where life is getting really weird. I have found out over the past few months that a number of people have thought I was hot for a long time but just didn't say anything except to mutual friends. One of whom is the ex-girlfriend of a good friend who was passing through town, who I met under similar circumstances briefly last year. Soooo...she came home with me last night and we made out a little then had some bdsm sexytimes, though didn't actually fuck (I guess? The distinction feels kinda arbitrary, really). Kinda didn't need to. I've never let anyone hurt me that much before, but it kinda confirmed every suspicion I've had about what I like. She was way more experienced than me, which honestly worked really well because I kinda didn't even think about the fact that we were negotiating safe-words and the like - it just felt like a perfectly normal, comfortable conversation before things got started. I didn't even get a hint of ptsd trigger from what happened, which is awesome because that's something that I'd been worried might happen if I let someone really go at it.

...the really weird part is that I kinda hadn't realized I'd be totally capable of doing something that casual. Like, it was fun and then (at ~2am) it was over so I went to bed and she slept on our couch. *shrugs* Don't feel any particular emotional attachment either before or after. So, yay? It's just a weird feeling since it's kinda against my Good Christian Man upbringing on basically every level, but this is honestly what I want right now.

I just, shit, I just worry this sounds like one big #humblebrag but it's not supposed to. It's just that I spent almost 30 years thinking I was an ugly unlikeable piece of shit, and now in the span of a few months I find out that a decent percentage of people I know think I'm really hot. I go out to places now and get eye-fucked by at least a couple of people each time. At what point did I actually become an honest-to-quanyin sexual creature? It felt like I just woke up one day and the world said "Mx. Presheaf, you've barely had any sex in your life - time to change that" and that's really strange.
2012-01-11 02:18 pm

It's over

MB and I talked and mutually decided we needed to stop dating. She told me she wasn't ready to be dating anyone right now, and that she's realized it recently. I had come to the same conclusion last week, especially when some pieces clicked together in my head and I realized that I'm not sure if she's even capable of really consenting to sex given some of the things she's told me. That may sound weird but...god, how do I explain it? I don't know if I even want to say the things that she's said and done that lead me to realize it, but I explained it to my therapist and she said the same thing before I could even get the words out. My therapist had to reassure me that I hadn't done anything wrong until now though...all I could do was assume MB was being sincere in what she said at the time, even though in a deeply disturbing sense she wasn't.

God, it's such a mess, but I'm actually feeling okay right now. She was honest about how much she wanted me, which is really the main thing I needed. I needed her to stop trying to make things out to be my idea when they weren't. I think I can let this go now and just be the friend she needs.
2012-01-05 09:18 pm

Speaking of damage

so, yeah, a lesson for ya boys, girls, & otherhow gendered persons -

your first attempt at a secondary relationship should probably not be with someone who has an emotionally manipulative partner, a serious history of abuse, and a bad drinking problem...
2012-01-03 12:27 pm

Dating & Damage

So dating MB hasn't been the easiest thing ever. I really like her. A lot. I've really enjoyed the time we spend talking, and I've also really enjoyed the results of that intense chemistry we have.

The downside is that she's carrying around a lot of hurt & damage. She and I are very very different people fundamentally, but the damage from all the abusive people who've been in her life is scary similar to my own. It's sadly funny that I'm the one with the better self-esteem here. Yeah, that's right, I have more self-respect than someone.

The things she's told me about previous relationships is just fucking terrifying. She doesn't even realize how fucking awful it all sounds. It's like how I used to be when I talked about my parents. I used to think they weren't terribly nice to me, but eventually I came to accept that they were actually fucking evil. Same with her, as she seems to take the blame for provoking a previous partner to threaten her life...because he loved her just that much. What. The. Fuck.

When I saw her after that 24 hours after she broke up with me by email, she told me the kinds of things she expected me to say & do. There's no real point in recording it here. It was just fucking awful. Also, she recently was both surprised & grateful when I didn't try to talk her into having sex after a night where we'd both had a lot to drink, and she was inebriated to the point of having trouble walking in a straight line. I told a mutual friend about how I was horrified that she expected me to try and get her into bed when she was definitely beyond a point where consent could be had, and he said "well you actually care about consent..." Seriously, what kind of awful people has she been with...

The sad thing is that she totally thinks she's a horrible person & sometimes gets belligerent when I try and tell her otherwise. She even got pissed off once when I told her she was pretty. The irony is not lost on me...

So, yeah, this month hasn't been easy but I do think it's worth it.
2011-12-20 07:32 am

...okay then

So MB and I are still seeing each other. She admitted that she kinda freaked out when she sent that email and that she shouldn't have said those things without telling me what she was scared of. Umm...so this isn't how she put it, but basically she was terrified that the fact that things are so intense between us means that I'll start trying to control her life too. I was able to convince her that that's just not who I am, and I think things are going to be okay.

By the end of the night we were as affectionate and flirty as we had been before and it was really damn nice.
2011-12-19 05:58 am

Well that was sudden

So MB broke up with me yesterday via email, saying a few upsetting things including that us dating was making her other relationship shaky & weird even though this is the relationship that's lasted over a year but he still claims that they're not a couple and most of their mutual friends think they're not together, that I've just somehow misunderstood what she wanted and that she wasn't looking for anything romantic when she asked me out to a fancy dinner that she said she wanted to be romantic and when she planned out other dates we could go on together and when she described being with me as feeling like "magic", and that she didn't really feel comfortable with how physical our relationship was even though she made it clear that she wanted to fuck my brains out in the first few minutes after I finally realized she was interested in me & she's the one who climbed on top of me and pulled off all my clothes on our first date...

So, yeah, I'm not doing so hot right now.

I'm actually going to be seeing her tonight because she wanted to talk more in person about it, though I don't entirely understand why since she clearly made her decision and articulated it pretty strongly. Given the fact that several days prior to this email she had told a mutual friend about how much she'd been looking forward to the other dates we had planned out and that she was afraid of doing something that would make me dump her I just feel like she succumbed to the same kinda panic I'd been fighting for the past couple weeks while she was busy with finals. That was a really fucking intense first date, both emotionally and physically. It was wonderful, but fucking scary after the fact because there was suddenly so much emotional investment in so little time.

What makes me laugh bitterly is that I'd almost sent her more or less the same message at one point when I was freaking out about it and how I didn't want to get hurt. That's one of the things that really bothers me. I feel like I fought really hard to push through some really fucking awful anxiety and do the right thing and, well, she didn't. That might be unfair. I guess I don't really know. I just wish she had said honestly "I changed my mind, I can't do this" rather than "you appear to be confused and think we're dating, how odd".

It just sucks because it was the first time I've actually felt wanted, physically, by someone. I mean really and truly desired. It cut through a lot of the bullshit in my head and left me actually feeling worth something for once. That disappearing so quickly is putting me in a really bad place.

I spent most of yesterday with a good friend, the friend who had kinda set me and MB up in the first place. I ranted and cried my eyes out for hours. Realizing how similar all this was to how my very first relationship fell apart, I asked him what it was about me that made people want to fuck me but blame me for it. He said "well, it's because you're hot".

My retort: "If I'm so fucking hot, why is this the first time someone's shown interest in me?"
2011-12-06 12:47 pm


Yeah, think that was pretty much the best first date ever.

That is all.
2011-11-29 01:45 pm


Okay, so generally things are quite good right now. I hung out a bit in a coffee shop with MB and, well, I had been afraid that a lot of what she said to me that night & what happened between us was just because we'd both been a bit tipsy so I was relieved to find there was just as much sheer chemistry when we were both completely sober. In theory we were trying to get work done, but the reality was a lot of talking and flirting and touching, even in front of a friend of hers. We were even talking about out plans for a date in front of this friend as well, so clearly she doesn't mind her social circle thinking of us as a couple. The main difference between a couple of days ago and Thursday night was that we had the wherewithal to go outside for a walk in the rain before making out. She made it clear, repeatedly, that she's extremely attracted to me - and I did my best to convey that the feeling was mutual. I think she managed to fluster me more than I did her but, heh, I'm not really complaining. Even when we weren't egregiously flirting she's really fun to talk to. We like talking about each other's fields of study, which I so fucking appreciate. I haven't met many people who act like doing research in mathematical logic makes you more interesting...

The downside is the other person she's in a relationship with. Despite describing himself as single and pointedly correcting people who imply that they're a couple, he apparently got into a bit of a jealous shitfit over the two of us. Now the upshot is that she said, repeatedly, that while she cared about him a lot she wasn't willing to be in any kind of monogamous relationship with him and that she wasn't going to let him tell her what to do. So while in some sense that's good news for me, it still doesn't change the fact that he's hurting her by acting this way & that fact makes me bare my teeth a bit. I feel like I've known a lot of women who've been emotionally fucked-with by men they trust and I'm more than a little bit allergic to the pattern. I figure the best thing I can do is just to try and make sure that I'm not adding any additional hazards to this path she's navigating, namely that I never want her to feel like I also want her to choose between us. I guess I'm also really disappointed because I thought he seemed like a cool guy before and I was looking forward to being friends with him the same way K wants to be friends with MB.
2011-11-25 10:29 am

Even more interesting...

Well that was a fascinating thanksgiving

Umm, so there's a woman, henceforth known as MB, that I'd met only once before the dinner last night. She's really pretty, queer, vegan, and seems to give a shit about a lot of the right things. I also thought she was in a monogamous relationship, so I never thought too hard about it. Apparently, she thought I was unavailable too.

That, umm, got cleared up last night. In a somewhat mortifying way. After I had said something that implied I was available, she ended up sitting next to me on the couch. We started touching a little bit, just incidental contact really, and then she put her arm around me. When it was clear that I didn't mind, she pulled me in tighter so that I was leaning most of my weight on her. We kinda nuzzled like that for a bit...made eye-contact, and then she leaned forward and kissed me. I kissed back. This process continued for a bit as we kinda ignored the other six people who were in the room. At this juncture some very...pointed things were said that made it clear the level of attraction involved. Which is basically a very roundabout way of saying that she told me she wanted to fuck me.

Umm, so, yeah we traded cell numbers and she asked if she could see me soon. Where by soon I mean today if possible. It also turns out that our mutual friend actually knew she had a thing for me since we first met months ago. I guess it was my turn to be oblivious to a crush for once. Anyway, I don't know what's going to happen but this definitely is
* awesome
* completely incongruous with my self-image
2011-11-22 08:50 am

Things are interesting

Last few weeks have involved a lot of exhaustion, emotional risks, and other business. It's also involved me getting over a lot of blocks, sources of paranoia, fears, etc. It's been really healing yet really draining.

So what's the real story here? The damn thing is that I'm falling in love. That's not a bad thing, really. It just happened fast, and that kinda scares me. I've only really known her for a couple of months now, but it's not like I hadn't known K for just as long when I realized I was falling for her. Also, for the future I will be referring to this mystery girl as J. It's just been a few years since I felt this way about someone, not since MZ. I guess the main complication is that a couple of weeks ago she said she isn't ready to date someone who's not male & in some ways that she's not ready to date at all right now. At first I thought she was trying to tell me that I read her wrong and she's not bi, but it's something a bit more complicated going on instead. I'm not all emo & angsty about that, though when I was back home after she first told me that I cried really fucking hard. Given how the past couple of years has been, I don't exactly blame her.

After I told her how I felt about her a couple of weeks ago, and she told me she wasn't ready, we've actually gotten way closer rather than more distant. We talk & hang out even more, and sometimes we're really...cuddly. For example, the other night I spent almost 7 hours drinking & hanging out with her and her friends and for most of the night we were either holding hands or I had my arm around her. I mean, she's pretty affectionate with everyone but...I don't know, there are days when it's a little more intense between us, and she has said she thinks I'm attractive, so while I love being around her it sometimes is a bit awkward.

I think she's really kind, sweet, strong, and I'm ridiculously attracted to her. The way I'm gushing I probably sound like I think she's perfect, but that's not true. I do, however, think she's really trying hard to make up for lost time and grow a lot as a person. We talked once about how we both feel like we became human only within the last couple of years. My main goal is to make sure I can be a good friend to her and do my part to support her through all the difficult & painful bullshit she's still dealing with. At the same time, I want to keep seeing her, and holding her and touching and playing with each other's hair and kissing her on the cheek when I hug her and walking together arm-in-arm. Whether or not that ends up being called "dating" I'm not even fucking sure I care. I just don't want to lose this.

Because I, well, am not exactly a confident person I've been dealing a lot with the fear that I will lose that at some point. That there'll be something I say or do that makes her realize I'm a terrible terrible person and that she should have nothing to do with me. I feel like I've managed to get over most of it at this point, but when I'm exhausted like I am right now the paranoia starts to edge back in. On the other hand, the sheer progress I've made on my ability to deal with this kinda fear has impacted my general problems with ptsd. My recovery from being triggered is down from being overnight a few years ago, to a few hours earlier this year, to now mere minutes now. It's pretty amazing. J even said the other night that I seem like I've gotten a lot more solid & confident in just the past month. She mentioned that I've stopped hiding behind my hair when I'm nervous, which just makes me laugh because I know exactly what she's talking about.

So, yeah, that's how things have been interesting lately.
2011-10-29 08:33 pm

Things I Am Bad At: A Partial Enumeration

  1. Flirting
  2. Looking someone attractive in the eye without turning red
  3. Having a solid enough sense of self-worth I can properly interpret signals of interest
  4. Having the confidence to actually call when told to
  5. Not getting really nervous (i.e. freaking out) that I fucked up when a text isn't answered promptly
  6. Actually fucking saying that I'm romantically interested in someone

and, yes, I have been dealing with all of these things for the past couple of weeks. We're just friends (I think?), but we see each other pretty often and I really, really like her. I get various levels of crushes, and this went from "omg you're pretty & awesome" to "omg I feel weird when a couple of days pass without us talking" really quickly. So, hey, emotional risks, growing up, blah blah blah. At the end of the day, I can't tell the difference between unlocking social achievements and just generally being an awkward motherfucker.
2011-09-24 10:23 pm

Bizarre retrospective

I found some things I wrote about my gender identity & wondering if I should transition long before I started this blog.

Y'know a funny thing? I had actually come to a similar conclusion back then that I've re-achieved now: that I kinda like having a cock, that I consider myself more genderqueer than man or woman, etc. The biggest difference is that I thought I had to stick to an androtypical physique & hormonal balance. I also thought I would never be able to not look like a man. Wrong on both of those counts, it turns out.
2011-09-07 06:34 pm

I'm an awkward motherfucker!

Amusing anecdote from last night -

I have a friend who makes bullwhips. I didn't know he made whips until last night when he was showing off the cracking sound they make.

Well, me being me, even just that cracking sound caused blood to suddenly pool into two distinct places on my body. One of them was my face.

The two other people there seemed confused that I suddenly was looking down & holding very still. My friend who makes the whips paused and looked at me for a moment & then said "oh, I think I know what just happened". I turned even more red.

Awwwwwkwwwwwarrrrdddddd. *sigh*
2011-07-30 06:29 pm


Life is going well, I've been mostly really stable and grounded lately. I had some setbacks due to people having an issue with my "attitude", where I have reasonable suspicion that "attitude" is code for "penis". It reopened a lot of wounds related to last summer and how much shit I got for just walking outside.

I holed up this morning and read all of Nausicaa, a wonderful post-apocalyptic Zen-tinged story about badass young women, and then just chilled with K all day.

Things have been weird, lately. So much of my social circle has been completely unavailable but I've also been in one of these really painful times where I desperately need to be around people all the time but am also completely terrified of them. K has been...very patient with some of my emotional ups & downs over the past few weeks, but I think watching me spend so much time purging out bad memories with all the emotional exhaustion that comes with it has exhausted her too. I'm doing a lot better than I was a few weeks ago. I dove deep into the abyss and figured out a lot about why I'm so scared of people hating me & came to be at peace with some of the shitty things friends - including my first girlfriend - did to me. Long story short, there's a long history of people distancing themselves from me when I let them know anything about how much pain I was in back then. This distancing was often enacted in very cruel ways. A couple of weeks ago marked the first time that I could honestly say I didn't care whether I ever knew why she cut off all contact with me all those years ago. The not knowing used to eat me up so much because I was afraid that it was my fault and that it was something that could happen again if I didn't find out the way to prevent it. Now I get that she was kinda fucked up too, and sometimes two fucked up people do stupid things when they rely on each other.

As usual, I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Just dumping out thoughts. I just wish my healing didn't have to be a burden to others. In general, though, life is really good right now. Better than it ever has been before.
2011-07-18 10:00 pm


Umm...yeah, so that person I've been crushing on? I don't really get what's going on with her. I saw her today and things seemed okay until she suddenly got really...mean. Like she seemed gleefully contemptuous of me and started laughing harder when I shrunk away and turned red at her initial remark which involved me starting a conversation and her loudly exclaiming that she didn't care. It wasn't even what was said so much as the way it was said. Was this meant as a way of teasing? Was it supposed to just be funny? I have no fucking clue.

It was weird. She seemed really different than the list time I saw her. It was just...I don't know. I think I'm over this crush though. It was good for me to take an emotional risk & I really really do like her. I think she's gorgeous, badass, and interested in a lot of the same things as me but...jesus, I don't want anyone to talk to me like that ever. It's too much like the ways my dad, even when he wasn't in full-crazy-violent mode, would "joke" in ways that would make you feel kinda shitty & stupid. So, yeah, I can't necessarily avoid her completely but I'm not going to seek out ways to spend time with her anymore. That just wasn't okay...I mean, shit, I know that I was kind of an awkward dork around her but...yeah, I didn't deserve to be talked to like that.
2011-07-09 09:24 am

Updates & panic attacks

Guh...so this was an interesting week for getting triggered. First off, don't get into arguments about what constitutes child-abuse on the internet with old friends. Jesus fucking christ did that set off a bad string of flashbacks/nightmares that wrecked me for a solid day and a half. I figured out even more, though, about how fucked up my parents were & how scared of everything my father trained me to be. People usually say it as a joke, but I find with ptsd knowing really is half the fuckin' battle. Maybe not half, maybe more like a third. More research needed!

Umm...I also realized a lot about how little I trust people, including K. To anyone reading this, please try to not take it personally, but at some point in our friendship you have probably scared the shit out of me. It just doesn't take much to get me into that bad state of thinking that I'm in danger or that someone hates me.

So that last point has come up a lot lately. So as a reminder, there was a person who I had asked out a couple of weeks ago (shit, was it only a couple of weeks ago?). Well, I've seen her once since then - last week - and it was actually really nice. It was originally intended to be something more productive, but it turned into talking for like 4 hours. We talked briefly about my awkward expression of interest the previous week, she teased me for not saying more up front that K & I were poly, and the answer was "I don't know yet". It might have been my imagination, though knowing my extreme pessimism likely not, but I think it was a rather hopeful maybe given that it was followed by another couple of hours of just talking about random things & our pasts and...I dunno, it just seemed like there was something really warm in the way she'd smile at me. I'm also taking into account that she has a) never dated a woman b) never been in a poly relationship. The fact that it wasn't a "no" is kinda amazing by itself. Maybe nothing'll come of all this & we'll never be anything more than friends, but that day made me happy. It's the first time I've tried to start a relationship in years, and the very first time I've done it out as, well, me. My relationship with K is this wonderful near-accident in that I was trying very hard to be a completely different person back then, but it happened to work out that she liked the real me even better than the person I was trying to be. I know I'm incredibly lucky that happened, but it'd still mean a lot to me to be able to start a relationship as just me.

Umm...so anyway, y'know that thing about being terrified people hate me? Well, of-fucking-course my brain interprets all that data as "she never wants to see you again". I kept having panic attacks that I did something really wrong that day & made an ass of myself. Which, honestly, I was probably amusingly awkward (though the word she used was "adorable"...which just made me more blushy-and-mumbly than I already was) but there's no way I did something worth making someone hate me. The rational part of my brain is capable of stating that. The forever-five-years-old-and-trying-to-find-safety part of my brain will have nothing of it though. Good thing I'm still seeing a therapist regularly, eh?

I'm also super-intimidated by my research and unfortunately I keep doing that thing where I push myself so hard some days that I'm burned out & barely able to think straight the next. I'll be fine, really, but I feel like in the past week I've just been a huge pile of frayed nerves.

This morning is a bit better, which is why I can write rationally about it, but at least I'm learning the way to deal with these sources of stress. It hurts, but this is ultimately what I need. I'm polyamorous & an extreme extrovert, but my chronic mental health issues make it very difficult to do those things. I think no matter what, it's still worth it to try.