A month of hormones

And what a month it's been.
So, since I'm still on the ramp-up dose and not the full thing, not a ton has changed in terms of my appearance. There's a handful of little things related to my complexion, developing breasts, etc. that have been changing but so far I think I look basically the same.

The way I feel? Completely different at this point. Some of the things I was warned about have turned out to be very true: I'm a bit mood swing-y and I cry way easier than I even did before. I know the mood swings will go down as I adjust to finally being hormonally female, and I'm hoping I'll get a little bit more self-control on the crying front back. At this point, even someone just sounding angry or raising their voice is pretty much enough to make the tears flow. So, enough of the questionable side-effects and let's talk about the good stuff! I'm calmer, more relaxed. The constant fear and buzzing that I used to have to fight hard to drown out just isn't really there anymore. I'm more consistently in a state similar to what it took a week of sesshin to reach before. I find that I'm more okay with silences, with not thinking about anything in particular, than I used to be. It's nice. I'm just sad that I didn't do this, y'know, 15 years ago.

Mourning

Yesterday morning, I was in my bathrobe and starting to make a pot of tea, when I suddenly started crying. I knew what I was crying about, but it was completely absurd. I was sad because it really sunk in that I could never have kids.

Now, I'm not talking about how I'll lose the ability to get someone pregnant now that I'm hormonally female. That's not what I mean at all. I mean the realization that I do not, nor will I ever, have a working uterus and be capable of having children. That really stung.

Now, you might be wondering "Well, haven't you always known that you couldn't get pregnant?". Well, sure, superficially that's true. What I've never been able to really admit before now is that I really wanted to, that I've been wanting to since I was a little girl and that it isn't something fucked up for me to want. To be honest, I'm not even sure if I would choose to be pregnant with where I am in my career were I to magically have a cis woman's body...but I wish I had actually had a choice in life.

The brain is weird thing, but I don't feel bad for who I am. I can't.