Dec. 19th, 2011

So MB broke up with me yesterday via email, saying a few upsetting things including that us dating was making her other relationship shaky & weird even though this is the relationship that's lasted over a year but he still claims that they're not a couple and most of their mutual friends think they're not together, that I've just somehow misunderstood what she wanted and that she wasn't looking for anything romantic when she asked me out to a fancy dinner that she said she wanted to be romantic and when she planned out other dates we could go on together and when she described being with me as feeling like "magic", and that she didn't really feel comfortable with how physical our relationship was even though she made it clear that she wanted to fuck my brains out in the first few minutes after I finally realized she was interested in me & she's the one who climbed on top of me and pulled off all my clothes on our first date...

So, yeah, I'm not doing so hot right now.

I'm actually going to be seeing her tonight because she wanted to talk more in person about it, though I don't entirely understand why since she clearly made her decision and articulated it pretty strongly. Given the fact that several days prior to this email she had told a mutual friend about how much she'd been looking forward to the other dates we had planned out and that she was afraid of doing something that would make me dump her I just feel like she succumbed to the same kinda panic I'd been fighting for the past couple weeks while she was busy with finals. That was a really fucking intense first date, both emotionally and physically. It was wonderful, but fucking scary after the fact because there was suddenly so much emotional investment in so little time.

What makes me laugh bitterly is that I'd almost sent her more or less the same message at one point when I was freaking out about it and how I didn't want to get hurt. That's one of the things that really bothers me. I feel like I fought really hard to push through some really fucking awful anxiety and do the right thing and, well, she didn't. That might be unfair. I guess I don't really know. I just wish she had said honestly "I changed my mind, I can't do this" rather than "you appear to be confused and think we're dating, how odd".

It just sucks because it was the first time I've actually felt wanted, physically, by someone. I mean really and truly desired. It cut through a lot of the bullshit in my head and left me actually feeling worth something for once. That disappearing so quickly is putting me in a really bad place.

I spent most of yesterday with a good friend, the friend who had kinda set me and MB up in the first place. I ranted and cried my eyes out for hours. Realizing how similar all this was to how my very first relationship fell apart, I asked him what it was about me that made people want to fuck me but blame me for it. He said "well, it's because you're hot".

My retort: "If I'm so fucking hot, why is this the first time someone's shown interest in me?"

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Mx. Pre-sheaf

April 2012

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